Reading: Wildwood by Colin Meloy
Drinking: ice water
Wow. It's been nearly three weeks since I've updated my journal on here. That's, uh...that's pretty terrifying. Considering this has always been a pretty regular thing. As you can probably tell, my last entry is probably pretty accurate as to my activity on here, because I have been pretty insanely busy what with college, high school, and online classes plus a personal life. It's been, uh..it's been kind of a roller coaster lately, you know?
School isn't really that interesting a topic so I'm probably just gonna skip right over that. It's generally I force myself out of bed, spend four hours at school, head home at noon, scramble to do homework, and then sit in frigid college classrooms for three hours before coming home and sitting up late on the computer when I should be sleeping. And then on days when there is no college, I try to do online work. Because it's a fucking pain in the ass. I'm taking HOPE online (which is some stupid government-funded glorified PE program that sucks ass and shouldn't even be required) and unlike the rumors I've heard from previous years, now you have to waste $25 on this stupid motion tracker bracelet thing so they can ensure you're *actually* exercising and not just winging it saying you're doing all sorts of shit. My one friend started being all "I told you so" about not doing it earlier and I was just so fed up, I nearly decked her and threw a few f-bombs in her face. More and more often I've been finding myself reaching that point of no fucks given, like I just don't even care about anything anymore. It's sad, actually. I've just reached that state of innate carelessness where I don't take shit from anyone and don't give a shit about anyone. Anyone except maybe one person, which brings us to the next problematic topic: le Crushboy.
A lot has happened in regards to whatever it is between le Crushboy and I in the past three weeks. The day before the first day of school, he ended up in the hospital and I was so worried as fuck, I could barely function the entire first day of school. I was fighting off anxiety the entire day. It was just...no. It was bad. I wanted to be there for him, I really did, but he barely gave me the time of the day, whether hospitalized or not. I had to pretty much find everything out over facebook. Of course, he's fine now as far as I know. But for the past three weeks I've just been finding myself sitting here contemplating what the hell to do with that beautiful goddamn bastard. I feel horrible because he barely ever gives me any attention and I have no idea what the fuck I did wrong. But I can't help that I still have feelings for him after all this time. I still care about him. We've barely spoken but I feel like shit every time I decided to try and just let him go because every time I make that decision, something bad always happens to him. First came the hospitalization thing, then about a week or two ago I decided yet again to try and let him and go and his car gets broken into. I don't want to be stuck in this position yet here I am. And I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. I'd text him to try and be a friend or whatever whenever the bad things happened but he'd barely give me the time of day and it hurt. It still hurts. I sit around here wondering what the fuck I'm doing wrong, what I could possibly have done that turned him away. I swear, I feel like all I've been doing is been trying to be a good friend but I always end up ignored and left in the dust. And now it's not even him being the one affected whenever I try to give him up. I'm starting to get affected, too. This past Friday night, there was this festival downtown I decided to go with my parents (after waiting about an hour for my mom to get ready because she takes fucking FOREVER) and I decided to get dressed up and go boy-hunting. There were quite a few cute boys there but I didn't reel any of them in because I didn't really grab their attention as far as I know and just...no. I'm horrible at picking up guys, okay? But so that was technically trying to let him go by trying to find other guys and shit but then when I got home that night, I felt a headache growing (I could already feel it starting before we even left but I shrugged it off and just assumed it was from aggravation over my mother taking so long to get ready) so I went to bed at 11pm (which is way earlier than I ever go to bed, even on a school night) and slept for 15 hours before I woke up yesterday afternoon...with a cold. A horrible cold that has lasted all the way up until right now and has had me in bed all weekend. I tried taking liquid cold medicine but that only made it worse-- I'm apparently allergic to said medicine and ended up spending about two hours tonight keeled over with waves of sharp abdominal cramps that wouldn't go away. So, you know, that's fun. It's bad enough my throat is on fire, I can't breathe, and my head feels cloudy but no, let's make the kid feel like someone's simultaneously stabbing her back and stomach while we're at it! Yeah, no. But anyways, back to the topic of le Crushoby, yeah. For some reason every single time I decide to try and let him go, something bad always happens to either of us, whether it's our health or our stuff or whatever, and it's just really, really aggravating. Like, I know it's probably time to just let the man fucking go because he's not giving me any attention anymore, I already know he's moved on and is entering the playing field without any indication of heading towards me (he posted on facebook a week or so ago something about how he hated how awkward he was talking to girls) and even if he was, I don't even think I'd have time for him, anyways, what with all my schoolwork and everything, but still. It'd be nice to know if he still thinks about me, wonders about me, even if he likes me just as a human being or something. I don't know, it's aggravating. I hate being shackled to him like this. I mean, if this was an actual relationship with mutual affection and shit, then yeah, tha'td be fine, I wouldn't mind the shackles but instead I feel like the narrator of The Killer's Mr. Brightside. I'm stuck here as he's going off checking out other girls and shit when all I want is him to come back to me, to whatever we had, but that's never going to happen because he doesn't like me back, he never has liked me back, and he never will like me back. End of story. And that hurts me more than anything. That and the fact that even though I know this and keep trying to just get away from him to save myself from a whole hell of a lot of heartbreak, forgetting him and shunning him from my life is absolutely impossible. There was a time, the week after his car got broken into, where I couldn't handle the pain anymore and I told myself that I would give him up for good regardless of whatever happened to him, that I didn't give a fuck about him or whatever happened to him anymore because he was a fucking bastard and I didn't need that shit in my life anymore and stuff so I deleted all the pictures of him off my phone and unfollowed him on facebook but, of course, that didn't work out too well. Instead, I kept finding that unfollowing him on facebook only fueled my urge to look manually. So that didn't work. And plus, deleting all the pictures off my phone made me feel incredibly guilty, especially since I deleted the ones he had sent to me personally from Oregon-- the selfie and the two pictures of where him and his friend were in the mountains. Fortunately, when my phone broke a few weeks back, I had backed up all the pictures on there that I thought were the most meaningful into emails that I sent to myself so I still had them saved, so a few days ago I ended up just digging them up and downloading them all back onto my phone. I totally relapsed but it wasn't my fault. Unfollowing him fueled me further to just manually look at his facebook and he had made this post that made my stomach churn and my head lighten: He had bought the Sims 4. Now, The Sims games are the only videogames I've ever played, I adore The Sims, I have every single stuff and expansion pack for 2 (Thank you, Origin, for the beautiful free giveaway, even though without it I was pretty close to the full collection anyways), I've been playing for nearly six years now, and the Sims is pretty much my video game turf if I ever had any video game turf. Like I said, it's the only video game I've ever played and multiple times has evolved into periods of addiction, like back in middle school I would walk a mile to my grandparent's house and back every single day just to play Sims on their computer for six hours straight. But so yeah, when I first saw the post on facebook, I was actually incredibly pissed off. I was sitting there on the bus thinking to myself "Great. Just fucking great. It's bad enough I can't stop thinking about you but now you have to invade on my video game turf, too? Bastard". Despite that, I commented on the post anyways even though I was positive he wouldn't respond back like he never does. To my surprise, though, he did comment back and a small conversation ensued, the first we'd had in what felt like months even though it was over facebook and was really short and short-lived once his two best friends (who he had made into Sims along with himself and posted the picture on facebook, which was what we were commenting on) started commenting and the whole conversation just sort of...yeah. And that was the last we spoke, too. But that conversation, that one little spark of acknowledgement to my existence again, was enough to make me sit here thinking "Okay, so we're talking again! Yay! I feel bad for ever doubting you and calling you an asshole and a bastard! I feel bad for unfollowing you and deleting all your pictures off my phone!". And I mean, okay, it wasn't just the conversation, alright? It didn't help that part of the conversation was me asking how the game was since I heard mixed reviews so far compared to the previous games and whatnot and all that eventually led up to him saying he had recorded his gameplay so far and that he'd post it on facebook for me if I wanted him to, to which I said yeah, sure, that'd be great. It's been a week and still nothing from that so there's that. I mean, not that I cared as much. I'd prefer watching a gameplay video for the game from an experience simmer whose been around since at least two like I have that can give me a good review based on the previous two games and whatnot. That'd be nice. Since le Crushboy is a Sim virgin and I've been around the block more than a couple times with the game, know all the ins and outs and cheat codes (or at least with two since that's my main) but yeah. I just...fuck everything. I just hate the entire road this situation has gone down. I hate that I can't ever stop thinking about him no matter what and every time I try to just let him go, something bad happens that makes me wary of giving up on him. And of course, now I'm finding myself scrolling through his facebook for a half an hour and finding things I didn't know before, like how he apparently he likes Wreck-It Ralph (which is funny because I look like Vanellope and to him am probably kind of annoying like she first comes off to be ["Why are your hands so freakishly big?!"]...I've actually never seen Wreck-It Ralph so don't look at me like that. I've been meaning to, okay! For, like..the past two years...shut up...) and I just....eeerrrgghhhh fucccckkk him and the lake he came from XP
In other words, I have also discovered a growing dislike for Frozen. Or not so much Frozen in general but Elsa, mainly because I can't bring myself to hate Anna, Olaf, or Sven and then there's Kristoff and Hans who are just sort of there in the corner like eeehhhh. But yeah, no, just holy fucking shit. Like, okay, don't get me wrong, Frozen was a great movie and everything but all this hype is starting to drive me up the wall, okay? Like, it's been nearly a year and Frozen is still as popular as ever and I just...I'm starting to just get so sick and tired of it. Or maybe it's just Elsa I'm getting tired of. Or maybe it's just the hype. Or both. I don't fucking know, it's just aggravating. I mean, okay, I could tolerate it when there was talk of a sequel, I could tolerate the Hollywood Studios stuff, I'm actually anticipating seeing how it translates to Broadway, but it was the other night that really got my blood boiling. The other night when I discovered they're planning to take the Maelstrom, a beautiful albeit outdated ride in Epcot about the Norwegian culture and history, and reboot it into Elsa's fucking frozen funland. Yeah, no. And not only that but come wintertime, they're planning on turning Cinderella Castle into Elsa's Ice Castle at nighttime. Like, no. No. No. Just no. This is getting to be too much. I think I am just sincerely growing an intense hatred for Elsa. I already can't stand all the Jelsa fanart. The only thing keeping me from hating Frozen as a whole is my love for Anna and Olaf and Sven, in all honesty. Because I feel like Anna doesn't get nearly as much recognition as her sister when she deserves it and Olaf and Sven are adorable. Kristoff and Hans are just kinda eeehh (even though I adore Kristanna) but Elsa just...oh my god. I used to like her but I am just getting so overwhelmed with all the praise for her character that it's starting to get really aggravating. She's just...everywhere. I'm just getting this insane urge to overthrow the goddamn woman because I'm starting to get hypothermia and not from the wintry CGI character I want it from. Just...my god, no. I'm insanely pissed that they're taking the Maelstrom and transforming it into something so tacky and fictitious when half of Epcot's main goal is legitimately foreign culture. Like, okay, hello, last I checked Arendelle was not in the Atlas and I swear to god, if Norway decides to go and name a town of theirs Arendelle just to appease the Frozen fans, I am going to literally commit suicide because this just...no. I didn't realize how much I loved Maelstrom until I discovered they were taking it out but now I can't help but sit here in absolute physical pain and distress over this. I didn't mind when they had Anna and Elsa meet and greets in Norway because I mean, hey, they've got Snow White in Germany and Sombrero Donald in Mexico so why not? They're there to represent a real life country and "provide a backsplash" as one website put it. And that ride in Mexico, while still full of the Three Amigos, actually is Mexico-- like they legitimately fly through Mexico. With this new stupid Frozen ride, it's gonna be all Arendelle, all the time. And you know, it won't be long until the Frozen fever flows from the ride into the entirety of Norway pavilion itself and it just becomes fucking Frozen-land. Like, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. That is not this theme park's purpose. I mean, I'll admit it, Epcot was never my favorite park but Maelstrom was always pretty much my favorite ride in that park because I loved the Norwegian folklore they touched on and everything. And I always liked how the boats reminded me of Tangled. But never you mind, I can't stand the fact that they're taking out a beautifully, culturally representative ride for something as stupid and cheesy as "Elsa's Fucking Frozen Funland". Like just holy shit, can we please not. This with the Cinderella Castle thing on top just...no. This make me want to renew my Disney tickets only to ride the Maelstrom a few more times and then cancel them immediately because this Frozen fever is starting to legitimately make me hate Disney. And that's no bueno. Disney is my life. I don't want to hate my life. But Disney is making it really hard to tolerate the company right now when everything is Frozen this, Frozen that, Frozen blah blah blah blah blah blah 24/fucking-7. And let me just tag this disclaimer right here: just because I'm gaining a dislike for Elsa and the prospect of Frozen in general, this does not mean I dislike Idina Menzel, too. I think Idina's great. Because I know she's more than just Elsa. She's also Elphaba, who I adore and who has not been shoved down people's throats and such. I just...I think Disney needs to give Frozen a rest for once. I think the world needs a rest from Frozen for once because I think I speak for everyone when I say that we all have Let It Go stuck in our heads more often in one day than we'd wish and everywhere we turn, there's always something Frozen-related there to greet us, whether it be coloring books or Halloween costumes or school backpacks or fucking Frozen duct tape (which yes, actually exists). Just...ugh....Fuck everything.