If I had a way to describe today, it would be absolutely bizarre and mentally chaotic. Like, there are barely any words to further describe the insanity that today-- or rather, tonight-- has become and the worst part is that it's not even my battle here that is affecting me. But let me back it up a few days before I elaborate on all that.
I've made my peace with college. Simply enough, I've decided to muddle through it. It may not be my current ideal but the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that I don't have any plans for the alternative. It would be too difficult to drop out with the managings of financial aid anyways but if I could, I don't have any plans for what I'd do with myself instead. I had been pretty depressed about the circumstances here that I was faced with for the first few days of this past week but Wednesday really gave me some perspective that had actually been the driving fuel for changing my mind. I had to take the bus to campus on Wednesday due to my dad being busy and unable to drive me, so I got to school about an hour before class was to start. To kill the time, I took a seat on a bench and flipped through my oceanography notes to prepare for my quiz later in the day as well as sent a few texts out to a couple friends to see who was available for conversation. The only who responded back enough to create a small conversation was Le Crushboy, though he didn't text me back until I was entering my first class so the two of just texted when I was able to due to my schedule. Needless to say, that was really nice being able to make some small talk with him while I was at school. It made the day go a little smoother, I think. The big thing that changed my perspective on college, though, was that I had gotten out of sociology early that day and therefore had at least 25 minutes until my next class, so as I was meandering down to the hallway my oceanography class was in, I heard someone call my name from behind and found it was Tsukino, who I hadn't seen since graduation. We walked and talked for a bit until we ended up running into Taylor getting out of her class, as well, and so the three of us stood around and chatted for a bit. When I mentioned that I was struggling to find the motivation to stay in college and not drop out and that I hated it here, Taylor reassured me that she had felt the same way when she started her first semester as a full-time student and that she even made a full-on powerpoint for her parents about why she should drop out of college but that soon, the hatred passes and you get into the swing of the routine and that everything is okay. It's weird how much influence a person has on your judgment but what she said really stuck with me. I ended up acing my oceanography quiz and spent the rest of the afternoon having a small conversation with Le Crushboy and all around it turned out to be a pretty decent day considering. Thursday went quickly, I suppose, with a small load of homework I've been procrastinating the shit out of in hopes campus will be closed on Monday due to a tropical storm/hurricane that has been on the radar as of late. The conditions of that are iffy at the moment but should they impact us significantly, Monday is definitely going to be insanely interesting.
In other news, this weekend has been full to bursting so far with the most insane coincidences and situations. I spent all day yesterday running errands with my dad in preparation for his first day on the job next week and then could barely sleep last night out of pure discomfort for the news I found out. A teacher at my old high school was recently arrested for having inappropriate relations with minors and while he was never one of my teachers, knowing he was in my school and is even in my fucking yearbook is really unsettling. Even moreso is the fact that I was almost going to take his class last year, but I didn't, for perhaps the stupidest reason but what could've possibly saved my skin from potential sexual harassment. I distinctly remember sitting in the guidance counselor's office one morning near the beginning of the school year and having to schedule my classes around my college classes. When it was time for me to pick my elective, I was torn between film (the class I really wanted to take, personally) and marine science (which Le Crushboy had taken his senior year and they went on a trip to Seaworld and everything). I ended up deciding on marine science but throughout the year was kicking myself because I thought film would've been more my speed and I only really took marine science because Le Crushboy took it. Well, turns out the guy who was arrested for sexual relations with a minor *was* the film teacher. So if Le Crushboy had not had as much influence over my decisions as he did (and still kind of does) then I might've ended up getting groped in the classroom or something and that is a disturbing and bizarre thought which brings us today.
I could barely sleep last night out of discomfort for the news I had discovered of said teacher, so I ended up sleeping all day today until late afternoon and lazing around until dinnertime. Before we ate, I felt kind of yucky so I went and took a shower and once I got out, I decided to check facebook while I air-dried. The very first post on my news feed was from Le Crushboy and it sent me spiraling. See, before we met, he had been involved in a four year long, long-distance relationship with this one girl. I don't know how they met or why they broke up but from what I had seen of the two of them over facebook, they were really fucking in love and if they hadn't broken up, probably would've gotten married or something. His relationship with her was actually the reason why he didn't return my feelings the first time I admitted them to him in May 2014. Well, today, sitting at the very top of my newsfeed, was a post he had made about her, tagging her in it, that at first I had taken to believe they got back together and called my mom in ranting and raving because I was pissed I thought he had gone and done something as terrible as that to me after what we had had the past couple months. My mom, on the other hand, being the level-headed one in this situation, read the post and gave me the proper perspective here. They didn't get back together. No, no, far from it, actually. Instead...she died. The girl he had loved for four whole years legitimately passed away today. I don't know what from or what even the circumstances of this even were but ever since, the rest of my night has left my head in an absolute whirlwind because this is such a bizarre turn of events. The post he had made was saying something about how Earth will never be the same but heaven is brighter now because she's in and that he's always loved her and will always love her and stuff like that which, at first, I was pissed because I thought he was being poetic about how much he loved her and that they had gotten back together but now it's just left me feeling depressed and stupid. He made another post, as well, shortly after where he had shared an old picture of the two of them together and said something so sweet and heartbreaking that I couldn't help but feel horrendous (yet also a little selfishly hopeful). He had said "You are always the reason I keep fighting. You carried me, now it's my turn to put my gloves up and cradle my arms for someone to fall. Just as I fell for you. An angel has risen" and it's just so sweet and yet so tremendously heartbreaking, I can't even imagine the pain he's in right now. And myself? I feel horrendous. I remember seeing pictures of the two of them together from the past and feeling so jealous because of what they had, and even after they had broken up I felt so threatened by the fact they were still good friends and she was close with his family, like his mom, and everything. I was afraid of how his still-standing friendship with her would affect whatever we had, selfishly enough, feel so strange and freaked out especially because I know he still loved her. Like, all I can think about right now is how disgustingly strange this all is that she passes away shortly after Le Crushboy and I reunite like we did. It's almost like God has suddenly become some merciless fanfiction writer killing off a canon character for the sake of His ship and that disgusts me greatly. Like, this is not okay. What the fuck are you doing, God? If that is even your alterior motive here. I don't even know, all I know is that I'm just so fucking uncomfortable and unsettled tonight by all of this because I feel like the predestined aura I have felt about me and Le Crushboy's relationship has reached new levels that I am not okay with. I can't even imagine the state of pain and heartbreak he is even in right now, though, after all of this, like I can't help but picture him curled up in his bed burying his head in the pillows and just bawling and that absolutely breaks my heart. If I could, I would just drive down to his house in this pouring rain and give him a gigantic hug and let him collapse against me and let it all out but obviously the two of us are not even at that point in our friendship/relationship yet and it's late and I just can't actually do that. I did, however, send him a text with that "sending virtual hug" gif and letting him know that I'm so sorry for his loss and am keeping him in my thoughts and that if he needs anything, I'm right here for him because none of this is deserved by him or his ex-girlfriend. None of this. Just..ugh. This is just so bizarre and strange and unsettling-- she was fucking our age, man. A young adult with her whole life ahead of her. I know this isn't even my problem because I never knew her or anything but it affects Le Crushboy and I hate seeing him upset so I guess in a way it does affect me. I just feel like my entire life has officially become some really stupid Nicholas Spark's novel at this point because of all these strange fucking things that have been happening in my life regarding him right now. Like, seriously though, does all of this not sound like the plot of Spark's next big seller or something? "The journey of a young woman as she tries to gain a grasp on her all-too predestined relationship with a man who appeared in her dreams. Their relationship is full of promise until he reveals his rocky past with an ex who broke his heart and admits he doesn't have feelings for our naive protagonist. When he gets a new girlfriend, she distances herself until she has a dream about him and a few days later, her mother runs into him in the parking lot of his work and reveals her daughter's deepest secret that she never stopped loving him. They reunite and all is well until the sudden and tragic death of the first girlfriend riddles our love interest heartbroken. Will our protagonist ever win the heart of her beloved or will she be forced to endure a lifetime of close calls?" SERIOUSLY DOES THIS NOT SOUND LIKE A CHEESY, FAKE FUCKING ROMANCE NOVEL PLOT?!?! BECAUSE IT DOES TO ME AND IT'S SCARING ME. OR LIKE A SOAP OPERA OR SOMETHING, JESUS FREAKING CHRIST. I feel sickened by myself, too, though, because of how selfishly I began thinking about the one thing he had said regarding her, about "now it's my turn to put my gloves up and cradle my arms for someone to fall. Just as I fell for you." Like, I couldn't help but think that he meant that he was thankful for everything he had with her but now it's his turn to be what she was for him to someone else and I can't help but think about if that someone else is me because of what has happened the past couple months but I need to stop because that is stupid and selfish and not okay to be thinking about in a time like this. Doesn't mean it hasn't crossed my mind but still. But for now, I'm just really fucking hoping he's going to be okay. I know the one post he made made it seem like he was going to be okay and that he was opening himself up to new opportunities in honor of everything she gave to him and everything but I still cannot help but be so very concerned. I just want him to be okay. I'm unsettled, he's no doubt depressed and shaken by all of this, and it's just one big hooplah of hell. So yeah. God is a merciless fanfiction writer, this weekend is bizarre and unsettling, and I think I just need to go take a cold shower and throw up or something.
Drinking: ice water