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  • Mood: Guilty
  • Watching: The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
  • Drinking: ice water
Oh god. It's been a long day. And I don't know if I have ever gone from happy to depressed so quickly.
Alright, here's the deal: first, a rundown of the last two weeks or so. Basically nothing has happened. Le Crushboy and I haven't talked much since two Fridays ago when I went to dinner at my grandma's house, but that wasn't too much of a conversation. Just a little back and forth over facebook. I messaged him that Tuesday and again that Thursday but no response, so I've been hanging back a little bit. Probably not a great idea but nothing is a great idea tonight. Other than that, I've just been trying to deal with college things and sorting that out since I go back in a few weeks. Not really looking forward to that but there's not much I can even really do. Today was the real kicker, though.

Alright, so my mom's best friend and her family came down for a vacation and my mom has been incredibly fucked up in the head panicking about all of it. She's been legitimately going balistic. They went over last Sunday to hang out with them at their hotel and go out to dinner but of course, I did not want to join because they were leaving early and I was tired and felt like shit. Instead, I ended up staying home making myself dinner and watching Shrek which for the record, I was perfectly content with. In fact, I enjoyed that more than I expected I would enjoy the alternate. My parents seemed fine with it and even proud to hear I was fending for myself alright. Well, the three of them (my mom's best friend, her husband, and their son, whose in college and a few years older than I am) are staying the night at my house on Saturday and because of that, my mom has had the worst obsession with cleaning the shit out of our house, even though her best friend is an absolute slob whose house is so full of fucking clutter she doesn't even let people inside anymore. Hence why I do not understand why she has been making such a gigantic deal about it all. Regardless, today my dad and I were supposed to clean the house together, I guess to help my mom out or something. I was absolutely all set to do that but then late last night, Hiccup texted me with some problems I'm not going to go into detail with. So we stayed up until 6:30am texting and talking and he asked me if I wanted to come over to Ed's house tomorrow and hang out. Apparently one of Ed's friends from out of state is down visiting and I assumed Hiccup felt like a third wheel with it all because he wanted me to come over to keep him company so I was like "Alright, I'm supposed to help my dad clean tomorrow but I'm sure I can change my plans to come spend time with you." I mean, the thing is, too, is that I didn't know this until late last night but Hiccup is apparently moving away out of state in the near future and I don't know how many more times I'll see him before he leaves, anyways. So we stayed up until about 6:30am texting and talking before he said he was gonna go get some sleep and I said I was considering doing the same since it was late. So, I pass out around sunrise and then today comes along...

So, I don't wake up until about 3pm when my dad comes into my room to let me know how late in the afternoon it is and to tell me to get up. The cleaning plans were pretty much on the backburner in my mind at the moment. I woke up, grabbed a bagel and a bowl of canned pears for breakfast, and asked him if it was cool if I went over to Ed's. He says it's fine and that he'll drive me, so I eat my breakfast, get ready, and we get ready to head out. The only problem is that by the time I was actually finished getting ready, it was typhooning. I was really selfish and the only thing I had on my mind was getting to Ed's house so we left in the pouring rain and drove down there (she's about 20 minutes away from where I live). So I get there and they're just finishing up watching Penguins of Madagascar before Ed offers the idea of making dinner, so her and her out-of-state friend go running around for the next 40 minutes or so because Ed forgot butter, then when she got home realized she forgot salt, so then they had to head back out again. Meanwhile, me, Taylor, Val, and Hiccup all chilled in her living room and talked (which we never really get to do anymore, and it was a pretty nice, in-depth conversation, so that was nice). So then when dinner was finally finished and ready to go, we all sat around eating and watched Wolf Children. On a side note, Wolf Children is a really great film (it's an anime film) that honestly pretty much ripped my heart out. By the time the movie was over, it was nearly 10:30 (it would've been over earlier if we hadn't been having some technical issues) and then we headed out for the "drop home" loop a little before 11pm. I had texted my mom in the car and told her we were on our way and she called me saying her and my dad were in Walgreens buying eggs and bacon, which honestly was the first note of the night that made me feel iffy about going home. I mean, buying eggs and bacon at 11pm. That is nowhere near like my parents-- they usually go to bed around 9:30pm, honestly. So that was the first aspect of the night that made me really concerned and confused. They're already back home by the time Ed drops me off, I say goodbye to everyone, and then head inside to find them sitting on the couch shoving roasted peanuts in their faces and watching the news. My dad looks tired and leaves the room soon after and my mom looks like she's really pissed about something. She has this certain way she behaves when she's pissed where she makes these really stupid "WTF" faces behind people's backs and spends more of her time talking in baby talk to the dog than talking in a normal voice to you. And she shrugs her shoulders and claims nothing is wrong and speaks in one of those "Mean Girls" voices, like the kind popular bitches use when they're about to backstab or get revenge on you. So I knew something was wrong. At first I thought my parents might've had a fight while I was gone that they weren't telling me about, so I got really concerned, and perhaps it wasn't too far from the truth. I asked my mom what I missed while I was gone and she said that her best friend and her family are over in their second hotel in town now and that they met up at Walmart for a bit and shit like that. She then went on to somewhat interrogate me about what I did tonight at Ed's house, asking the same questions multiple times about if I ate and what we did and shit like that. By the end of the night, though, I finally pieced together a few snippets of explanation to figure out what was wrong. Overall, they were pissed because I left and didn't help clean at all. My mom was going on about how my dad had a headache and looked really bad when she got home like he didn't feel good and shit because he had been running around doing stuff all day and she told me she was really fucking pissed at him for letting me sleep so late and then letting me leave without helping. Without a doubt, after hearing this, I felt guilty as all shit and like I should've regretted going out tonight (I kind of do regret it at this point, after the fiasco I came home to). But so I went to ask my dad and make sure he wasn't mad at me, but he told me that he had had a headache since that morning when he cut the grass and that if he felt like he needed my help, he would've woken me up earlier. He didn't come in to get me out of bed until he came home from the local produce market, anyways. That made me feel a little bit better, his reassurance, but it still didn't make me feel great. Especially since my mom was still really pissed. Eventually, the truth from my dad apparently came out-- he forgave me for leaving and everything but both him and my mom said that they're very unhappy with my nocturnal habits and that I need to fix it, as in go to bed earlier and wake up earlier so I'm not sleeping all day. Especially since I'm starting back up at college soon and everything. So basically, that was the note things ended on tonight. Going to bed with my parents mad at me and me on the verge of tears because I am a horrible, selfish person with terrible sleep habits and they are incredibly ashamed of.

It didn't help that my parents had plans for the three of us to go to Disney with my mom's best friend and her family tomorrow but now I just don't feel up to going and told my mom that I didn't think I wanted to go now, to which my mom tried to guilt trip me because her best friend REALLY wants to see me. The problem is that I don't really care about seeing her. Every time I'm with them, it's always stress this or stress that and the woman absolutely starts crying every single time her and my mom see each other. Personally, it is honestly an experience I don't enjoy being involved in. I appreciate the things this woman does, like sending money in birthday cards and shit, but that doesn't mean I always enjoy hanging out with her. After all, she's my parent's friend, not mine. And as an eighteen year old, I personally don't enjoy spending all my time with the older folks. I mean, my mom's best friend's son probably doesn't, either, but he's stuck with them. I have a choice. He's, like, 21 anyways and that basically qualifies him as a full-fledged adult who can just drink away the aggravation. In fact, all of them can get fucking drunk while I, still restrained by some legal moralities, would be stuck dealing with them. My going would hinder their fun, anyways, since there's a lot of rides that I don't go on so someone would feel obligated to hang back with me and miss out on the fun they'd want to have riding something like Soarin' (which I get such bad anxiety on, I nearly puke). If I went with them, they'd have to take two separate cars anyways so my not going is saving people gas money, anyways. So basically my not going is a positive thing anyways: I'd save people gas money, I'd save myself from spending time with people I really don't care about spending time with, and I'd be saving them from my whiny, complaining, hold-back ass. But all my mom sees is probably me being a bitch so she tries to guilt trip me into going because her and my dad are probably undoubtedly ashamed of me right now.

It's really painful knowing how ashamed of me they probably are right now, though. The thing that has me for a loop, though, is that my mom is always getting on my case about never going anywhere or hanging out with my friends, yet when I do tonight, she gets really pissed at me for not staying at home and helping out. I mean, granted, I admit that I don't help out around the house as much as I should but still. I was absolutely going to help today if the other stuff had not come up and she's so hyped on seeing her best friend these days that I'm surprised she wasn't more understanding about the situation of me hanging out with my friends. She never sees her best friend due to living far away yet I never see my friends as much anymore because either working or me not getting the memo or some shit like that all gets in the way. Like, I hadn't seen them in almost a month and knowing Hiccup is moving away soon, too, makes me feel like I should see him as much as I can before he leaves. I already hadn't seen him much back throughout last year because he was out of state for college. I never get to see Taylor or Val much either unless we're all meeting up at Ed's house and I haven't seen Aero since graduation since she moved further away and has been busy either working, spending time with her boyfriend, or sleeping. So when I get the opportunity to hang out with my friends, I really want to fucking hang out with them. I would've hoped my mom would've understood that but I guess apparently it's only really when she's spending time with her friends that it's okay. I mean, yes, I understand I had already made a commitment to help my dad that I should've stuck to and I'm probably a giant fucking ass for leaving him for my friends but I just...I don't know anymore. I feel like shit about the whole thing and I can't help but feel like I'm an absolutely horrible person because I didn't even pay any mind to the fact I already made the commitment to help my dad. I just woke up, got ready, and left. The thing is, though, is that he seemed fine when I woke up and he drove me over to Ed's house. He seemed perfectly fine. He said he didn't mind if I went over to Ed's and he told me he wasn't upset because I had asked him if he was upset with me for having him drive me over there. He seemed like there was nothing wrong with it, that he was fine with it. So I guess that's partially why I felt so confused and ashamed when I got home, because I wasn't sure if he was really fine with it or if he was just pretending. Of course, my mom seemed to be more upset about it than he did and I think I know why.

I think my mom's been drinking a bit heavier again. I know a few weeks ago we had that entire, huge argument about her drinking and how I could see the behavioral changes when she drinks too much and the next day she had promised that she was going to be better but within a few days, she had started drinking again and would get all pissed off whenever I got really paranoid about it. I asked her tonight if she had anything to drink and she said no, though the way she was acting would suggest otherwise. I asked my dad and he said he didn't know, but granted he's had a migraine and just wanted to go to sleep. Personally, after how my dad hasn't been feeling great and my mom might've been drinking behind my back and shit, I'm curious to see whether one of them ends up staying home sick tomorrow and calling off the Disney plans in the first place. Regardless, I just wish I didn't feel so guilty about all of this. I mean, did I make a bad decision by spending time with my friends over helping my dad at home? Did I make a bad decision actually getting out of the house and spending time with my crew rather than staying home like every other day and helping my dad clean? Fuck, I just feel so guilty. I hate this. I am a horrible, horrendous, despicable human being.

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supereilonwypevensie
Amanda
Artist | Student
Antarctica
I am me and no one else, and nothing will ever change that.
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. --Kurt Cobain
18. Panromantic gray-asexual. Queen of budget/closet cosplaying, prisoner of my imagination, aspiring Disney character, writer who loves words so much her fingers technically have sex with the keyboard when she types, first class hermit, hopeless romantic, super insomniac, A-class wallflower, Violet Parr.
#certifiedbadass

<3 "You were my new dream" "And you were mine" <3

Tumblr: myaekingheart.tumblr.com
Facebook: facebook.com/supereilonwycosplay

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alexisH2O Featured By Owner 8 hours ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you for the fave!
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IDROIDMONKEY Featured By Owner 11 hours ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thanks for the fav
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You're welcome ^_^
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Thank you for the fave! :rose:
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You're welcome ^_^
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Rebellet Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you for the fav on my  Flynn drawing! Frying Pan (Icon) Flynn: ... hi! 
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supereilonwypevensie Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Student
You're welcome! ^_^
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Storm-Grey Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2015
T-thanks a-again!!! I appreciate y-you adding m-my p-pic to y-your collection!.... :)
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jsgknight Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2015
Thank you for the favorite! :D
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supereilonwypevensie Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2015  Student
You're welcome! :)
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