...I think I'm depressed. Just...fuck everything. This entire day has just been so horrible already, I can't even. I didn't wake up until about 3pm and the past five hours have all just gone to shit. And even the last couple days have been like shit. I'm having boy problems and emotional problems and just...fuck everything.
I was thinking about my grandpop a lot last night and today, so that would be the first thing. The hinge on the lefthand side of my laptop broke about a week or so ago so I've been dealing with that and just last night, as I was setting up my little laptop area for the night before bed, I was thinking about that broken hinge and thought to myself, "Hmm, maybe I should ask Grandpop and see what he thinks I should do about it" until I realized...wait, no, I can't. Unless I expect an urn full of ashes to respond, can't ask him. And then I started feeling incredibly depressed. My stomach was already aching from nerves last night, I didn't need to make it worse from depression. And I feel even worse right now because my grandmom had asked my parents and I to a movie tonight-- her treat-- but the movie was some documentary about what would happen if America didn't exist and shit and just...I would've rather shot myself in the head than go and watch it. The history aspect, I knew, was going to bore me and the "what if" part was going to psychologically make me uncomfortable because I can't handle that kind of stuff right now, and then plus, anything that looks like it belongs on the History Channel makes me incredibly depressed, especially now, because that was my grandpop's favorite and he'd watch the History Channel all the time. So I knew if I went and watched that tonight, I'd be a whole huge mess crying and shivering with anxiety and everything. But of course, my parents had already told my grandmom I was gonna go with them to the movies and my grandmom seemed so excited about it, about the fact that I was gonna go with them, because apparently she misses the shit out of me. So when we got to her house to pick her up and I told her I just wanted to stay here and everything, the look on her face absolutely killed me. She just...she looked so sad and disappointed, like I had broken her heart or something. And speaking of broken hearts, that brings me to the next point from last night. The past couple weeks, ever since I made my RP page, a friend of mine from over here followed me onto facebook and we had been conducting what transformed into a major, mega-length conversation. He was incredibly sweet and considerate and everything but just...he gave me so much attention and all these compliments, I couldn't help but start to feel confused about what I wanted and everything since I'm still trying towards le Crushboy. I was fine with our conversations until I reached that realization and everything just suddenly became so uncomfortable. He had major feelings for me and was always calling me hon and miss and ma'am and shit and telling me how wonderful and strong and amazing he thought I was and that was scary. I felt like I was being given a choice here: either keep going down the perilous path you're so insanely interested in and want more than anything or go down this different path that you aren't really interested in but has this shiny thing that demands attention. Our conversations were growing so massive in length, too, that it was starting to become exhausting and overwhelming. It'd take me, like, seven hours just to get through writing an entire message and I didn't want to leave him hanging or anything but those conversations were sincerely keeping me from doing other things I wanted to do or give more attention to other things I wanted to do, like roleplaying. He told me that there were very few people he felt comfortable with opening up to but that I had all the qualities he considered applicable for that kind of openness. I just...it was starting to become a scary situation. I don't return the feelings he has for me and I legit felt like I was becoming part of an actual love triangle. I couldn't handle it anymore so I messaged him and told him everything-- about how uncomfortable and confused and scared I was starting to feel and just admitted everything. I was so afraid to break him because he had gone through some pretty rough relationship shit and everything but I couldn't help but admit my discomfort because it was starting to eat me alive and make me regret making the cosplay page in the first place. Those messages were becoming the only activity on the page and that was never my original intention. Part of me felt so remorseful about it all that I was contemplating just deleting the page altogether. While it felt insanely flattering to have that kind of attention and compliments come from a guy and everything, it was just making me insanely confused about what I wanted and was aiming towards, scooching around the targets and blurring my vision. I didn't mean for it to necessarily be a goodbye type deal but now it's turned into one since he popped up in a conversation earlier today and my mom flipped her shit and called him a pedophile which, I mean, she had reason to. He has/had feelings for me and came on a little strong with his compliments and everything, lives across the country, and is nearly ten years older than me. So yeah, I can see why she'd call him a pedophile in the first place. She told me to never talk to him again and I can't help but think it was probably a good idea. Our conversations were great but the confusion and discomfort I was starting to feel was eating me alive. He seemed like he was hurt when he finally did respond to the message where I admitted my discomfort but while I was proud for standing up for myself and getting done what needed to get done, I couldn't help but feel horrible and like I had broken his heart. The only thing that had made me feel a bit better about everything was that yesterday, le Crushboy posted some gaming videos on his facebook and one of them was a episode 1 of a walkthrough for that new game, Destiny (or the Beta version, I think). And he was commentating on it. So I downloaded it onto my phone since my laptop runs videos like shit and watched it about three times in a row. I hadn't heard his voice in three months (since our date) and it felt incredibly nice. He never spoke when we'd pass in the halls, he'd just smile and wave, so that couple hours I spent with him that night back in April was pretty much the only time I had ever heard his voice (since we've never actually called each other on the phone, either, because I'm awkward with confrontation like that and plus, I can never understand what the fuck anyone is saying when I talk to people on the phone, anyways) but yeah, so hearing his voice again felt incredibly nice, even if he wasn't talking to me. I loved hearing him talk through what he was doing and comment on everything, though, and he sounded pretty professional doing it which I thought was great because he wants to be a teacher and commentating and teaching and walking people through stuff is pretty crucial for teaching jobs and everything. But yeah, so that felt nice. So after that, I kind of slept safe and sound until today when things started going to shit again.
I woke up around 3pm and legit forgot it was Sunday, so I thought the sounds coming from the kitchen might've been my dad home from work or something. Instead, it was my mom. She said she was going to wake me up but decided to let me sleep instead. Throughout the entire day, it was just bad thing after bad thing, though. Apparently yesterday the school sent a letter to my house pretty much saying that my scores for the ACT sucked ass and that I'd either have to take it over again in a week or take remedial classes and no college courses this upcoming year because apparently I bombed the thing when I thought my scores were alright. English was out the roof and grammar was pretty good but apparently my science and math portions were so bad, they're just considering me a fucking failure overall instead. Which just made me feel wonderful. So after screaming that the entire thing was total fucking bullshit and slamming my bedroom door shut, I curled up in bed and cried my eyes out because that was pretty much the last brick on the teetering stack to just knock everything down. I laid in bed sulking for about ten minutes before getting up, going into my parents bedroom and gathering my stuff from their computer and then sitting on my bed and shooting at the alarm clock. See, this past Christmas my mom bought my dad this target-shooter alarm clock where the clock has this little digital target on it and a plastic laser gun and when the alarm goes off in the morning, the target stands up and you have to shoot at the little red dot to turn the alarm off. But there's a practice setting on there, too, where you can play without having to set the alarm so I pretty much just grabbed the laser gun, sat on my parents bed, and started shooting until my dad walked in and tried to get words out of me. He didn't and I ended up curling up on their bed for an hour sulking until my mom came in to confront the problem. At first she told me I was making too big a deal out of it and that it was just a test but what she doesn't understand is that that goddamn fucking ACT pretty much determines your life and that if you don't pass it, no colleges are gonna wanna accept you. Not that I even really want to go to college in the first place but still. I don't even think my school would let me graduate without passing it. So there was that. Of course, then my mom had to pull the one-up-me card and told me that if I thought my problems were bad, just look at my grandmother-- her husband's dead. And that's when I exploded at her that I knew that and that I was thinking about my grandpop a lot last night and almost depressing myself, too. That would be when we both pretty much broke down in tears. So she ended up laying next to me in her bed and we cried together and that's when I told her it wasn't just missing grandpop and feeling like a stupid-ass cunt over the ACT thing, either. It was the boy problems, too.
I told her about the guy I had been talking to and about how he had feelings for me and at first she was surprised and shocked and almost seemed excited until I told her he lived on the other side of the country and was nearly ten years older than me. That's when she got pissed, called him a pedophile, and told me to never speak to him again, so I'm not planning to. But see, there's a second half to these boy problems, too, and that would be in regards to le Crushboy. We haven't talked, pretty much, in an entire month. And he's just...he's ignoring me, it seems. I'll text him "Hey" and just...nothing. I'll comment on facebook and...nothing. It's like he's just been shutting me out and it hurts. At first I thought he might've been entering a depression because he posted something on facebook that made me worry about if he was but then he was posting regular old content-with-life stuff that started making me wonder if it was just him being temperamental or something. I just...I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do. He's not responding or acknowledging me anymore and I don't know what it is I did wrong or what I did to turn him away. I mean, did my texting him come off as pestering or spamming or? I had wanted to try and have at least one conversation a week with him but...unfortunately that didn't exactly work. Instead here I am thinking to myself about how utterly stupid I must be because I've done something to turn him away. I don't want to turn him away! I just wish things could be like back when we first started talking-- that he'd give me attention and we'd text and flirt and that I'd actually have the guts to go down and meet up with him or see him at work or something. Maybe I was too distant or my nerves ruined everything. Maybe the thought of me liking him just scared him off or something because of his ex-girlfriend. Maybe he got back together with his ex-girlfriend, I don't even fucking know. He doesn't talk to me anymore so I wouldn't fucking know. It just...god. I can't help but hate this entire situation. Part of me just keeps sitting here wondering if I imagine hard enough that he'll text me and be all like "Hey, sorry I haven't texted in a while. I've been busy" or something, that it'll happen but then I start thinking to myself, "Who the fuck do I think I'm even fooling?". He gave absolutely no warning signs, either. It was just like he dropped off the face of the earth or something and never responded to anything I texted or commented since. Sometimes I wonder if it was all my fault, that if he found JackxViolet things that freaked him out and made him think I was some sort of fangirlish lunatic or if his friends spread rumors about my apparent reputation gained this past year that shied him away from me. Because this past year, I really pretty much gained the reputation of "Jack Frost girl" because I wore the hoodie and had the backpack and everything and ever since le Crushboy dyed his hair bleach blonde/white, I think he's pretty much gained the reputation of "that kid who looks like Jack Frost" or something because of it. Because apparently everyone knows he looks like Jack Frost now and everything. So part of me is afraid that his best friend or someone said something about me and my apparent reputation and either said something along the lines of "I bet she only likes you because you look like Jack Frost" or either he came to the conclusion of it himself and either way, decided to get the fuck away from me or something. I just feel fortunate he hasn't deleted me as a friend on facebook and I'm praying to the highest deity possible that that doesn't happen, either, but I'm just so afraid. I don't want to lose ties with him or anything but it's so hard when he's shutting me out like this. I thought maybe it was just the status he posted about shutting himself in until he disappeared and that it was just a thing he was dealing with and that he'd be fine afterwards but he's still shutting me out and I just...I can't even. I just...I'm feeling so depressed and stupid and invisible. The only good part of my weekend was meeting up with my parents friends and their six year old son last night and having dinner with them, having my dad's best friend at one point go on a total rant about how I was a deadringer for Violet, and I think their son had a crush on me because I was playing Lego Chima with him and he was all cute and everything and he opened the door for us when we were leaving and came over and hugged me goodbye before watching us leave. He gave me one of the little Olafs he got at the Frozen Summer Fun event from Hollywood Studios, too. But other than that, I've just been feeling depressed and stupid and invisible. Our air conditioner kind of broke so the house is hot as hell. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. And what makes it worse? Despite all of this-- his shutting me out, my uncertainty, the fear and the contemplation-- I think...I think I might be falling in love with him...
Listening to: Here I Go-- Idina Menzel and James Snyder
Reading: Wildwood by Colin Meloy
Drinking: ice water