Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
About Student Artist Member AmandaFemale/Antarctica Recent Activity
Deviant for 3 Years
Needs Premium Membership
Statistics 1,301 Deviations 8,668 Comments 33,897 Pageviews

Newest Deviations

Favourites

Groups

Activity


  • Mood: Relief
  • Listening to: You Only Know You Love Her-- Passenger
  • Watching: Everybody Loves Raymond
  • Drinking: ice water
    Today I made a very painful but very important decision. I let him go. I decided to officially let him go and I haven't been this hysterical in months. But it needed to be done.
    I've been pretty sick lately with some sort of flu bug I caught earlier in the week so I've spent the majority of my time at home sick in bed missing school (which is not going to be pleasant going back to all the makeup work but I'll handle it). I started feeling crappy about Sunday night or so, I think, but I didn't really feel it until Wednesday morning and ended up having to go home right as second period started, to which I found myself with a fever later in the day. It wasn't until last night when I finally gave in to taking some medicine that I started feeling a bit better (Mucinex is a godsent, by the way). My parents went out today so it was just me home alone to do whatever and I ended up taking a nice long sleep until 2:30-ish. I got up, grabbed some breakfast, took care of myself, the usual. But afterwards when I decided to spend my afternoon laying on the couch watching reruns of The Middle, I  noticed something in myself: I started feeling my mood drop lower and lower until I sunk into what I can only really assume could be called...depression. And I think I know one of the reasons why. Le Crushboy was on my mind. I had been scrolling through facebook on my phone when I stumbled across a selfie he had recently posted. It was of him sitting in what I can assume was his kitchen...eating a bowl of what looked like fruity pebbles. And the caption was some snide remark about eating rainbow vomit or some shit like that. I shouldn't have done what I did next, but I did. I saw there were five comments...so I looked. Of course I found exactly what I thought/feared I would: him and his girlfriend flirting. Why was I not surprised? That's been happening a lot lately. Everything he posts, she either likes or comments. And when she comments, it's almost like an entire fucking flirt-fest goes on up in there. And truly it shouldn't piss me off as much as it does. But it does piss me off. It was from that moment earlier today, though, that I realized something truly terrifying: I've been wasting my entire senior year (and almost my entire year in general) being depressed over him. Being depressed over this bastard who never even returned my feelings for him.
     It all started hitting me like a bunch of bricks, one after the other after the other. My last year of high school has only a few short months left and yet the entire past five months, all I've been doing is being hung up on this asshole! I can't say I'm not grateful for the things that obsession has pushed me to do, like the complete 180 my opinion on college did just because I didn't want to lose him or the lost parts of myself I found because of him, but for the most part, this has all escalated to a very unhealthy level that I'm glad I caught and am doing something about before it turns me into a 100% authentic mental patient.
    I wish I could say that after realizing all this, I'm happy for him and this relationship he's in now but I'm not even gonna lie, I'm still not. I still think she's a whore and wish she'd go die in hell or something but it's not even my place to judge and never was. He is no longer my concern. Whatever happens to him happens because I no longer give a flying fuck. I know that even though after all this time, we're still sort of friends, I can't sit here secretly stewing in this giant pot of secret "I still love you" soup and pretend that it doesn't burn knowing he will never like me back and now has someone else he's dating and calling his own and all that fancy schmancy lovey shit. I am willing to throw away whatever our entire friendship is right here just to get rid of this horrible, jealous, unrequited love feeling. So I'm finished. Completely done.
    I didn't have the heart to unfriend him on facebook or anything but I did unfollow him (and fortunately before the slew of stupid girlfriend/boyfriend kissy pictures surfaced to the interwebs so I don't have to choke on my saliva strangling myself over them) and I doubt he'll text me because he never does-- it's always been me who texts him except for a few rare times in the beginning of all this when he actually seemed to care more. But no matter, he's not my concern any longer. I am done. D. O. N. E. Goodbye, Le Crushboy. Have a nice life with your art teacher dreams and that kawaii ass whore whose probably sucking your dick by now because you are no longer any of my concern. I have a life to start living and a career to start focusing on and none of that involves you. So goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Other
248 deviations
  • Mood: Shitty
  • Watching: George Lopez
  • Drinking: ice water
Alright, so I've discovered that lately, life has been kicking my ass and that's just not cool. Not only has my anxiety been on high since Friday night when I was at Disney, but I've had a couple other instances lately, too, that are just overall pissing me off.
    First off, I'm sick. So, so sick. Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat and some congestion but discounted it as just allergies with the changing weather (since the temperature's been dropping tremendously lately). As I went through the day yesterday, though, I found myself just feeling sicker and sicker. I was battling anxiety Monday night during my psychology class and then again before bed, resulting in my not falling asleep until 2:30am. I felt so exhausted and sick when I woke up yesterday, I didn't even eat breakfast and I just wanted more than anything to stay home but of course, that was impossible since I've apparently already missed way too many days since we've gotten back from winter break. Of course, just my luck though that not eating breakfast would kick me in the butt later in the day since by second period, I was sincerely starving. Throughout the entire day, I kept feeling like I was gonna pass out or be sick or something probably because I didn't eat. When I finally did get to go home, I had already gone through that hunger cycle and was at the point where I wasn't even hungry anymore. I just felt empty and tired, not to mention congested. So once I got home, I nibbled on a few tortilla chips until I started feeling a bit nauseous and then laid down on the couch for a few hours, scrolling through my phone. I felt horrible for both reasons doing this: one, because I knew I had shit to do and was wasting time and two, because I physically felt like shit. I had my college English class last night, though, and I still had some pages in the textbook I had to read/study so after half-watching a few episodes of The Middle and procrastinating, I cracked open the books and began getting down to business. And then from here on out is where things get interesting...
    Getting to class last night was, um....an adventure. My dad recently started back up at school this past Monday and he doesn't get home until 6pm, when my night classes start. Usually, he would come from work a few hours beforehand and then drive me to class but now that his time is compromised, it's now my mom's responsibility to get me to class (I'd take myself but I can't drive and public transportation is honestly actually terrifying). Well, some asshole at her work yesterday decided it would be a good idea to swap her hours with another coworker's so she didn't get home until 5:30, leaving minimal time before I had to start heading to school. Because of this, it was my responsibility to ensure I had all my things together and got myself fed and everything, which was difficult because I felt like shit and felt very...independent. It was a strange feeling but I feel almost as if it truly opened my eyes up to the fact that in a few short months, I'll be graduating and be an official, legal adult. Fortunately, I guess I wasn't completely on my own, really. Before heading back to work, my mom put some stew in the crockpot to ensure it would be heated up for me for dinner (we would've just stuck it in the microwave...but the damn thing broke a few days ago, so now I have an entire new box of microwave popcorn and no way to cook any of it but, you know...). I was glad I was able to actually get myself ready by myself and everything but still, it felt strange. Somewhat refreshing since my mom always wants to do everything for me like I'm seven but also terrifying since it was like a bit of a wakeup call about my impending adulthood. But no matter, when she finally did get home, a few minutes passed and then we both hopped back into the car to get me to class. Class which was also quite interesting (and this time I actually do mean interesting)...
    Ever since the first day of class, I had noticed something strange about the other people in my class. Or one person in particular, I should say. He was my elementary school crush, who we'll just call Shooter here (because apparently he likes hunting and shit, manly stuff). He was in my fourth grade class and I had an insane crush on him but because the friends I hung out with were, like, mortal enemies with him, I had to pretend like he was disgusting and my nemesis, too-- not fun. I remember once we were in the library and he randomly came up behind me and asked me what I was reading (it was some novel I can't remember the name of written from a stray dog's point of view). I tilted my head back to see him and just broke out in embarassing laughter and when I say laughter, I mean serious, hilarious, watching the Hangover type laughter. I'm pretty sure he never liked me back like I liked him, though, because back then in elementary school I was gross and ugly and I was battling anorexia so I was, like, teetering on 40 pounds and therefore skeletal with teeth too big for my mouth. It just...yeah, no, we don't talk about elementary school. Eventually I got over it, though, and we went to different middle schools I ended up forgetting about him but the very first day of class, when I walked into the room and saw him there, I was honestly absolutely shocked. He ended up sitting at the same table as me, all the way at the opposite end, and we've all honestly been sitting in the same seats ever since (not just me and Shooter but everyone in the class), which is only slightly awkward. I have no idea if he recognizes or remembers me but I can honestly say it would be interesting if he did...I feel sort of badass about it in a way, though, like I walked in there like "BOOM, LOOK WHO GOT GOT IN THE PAST EIGHT YEARS". He's still pretty much as cute as I remember him, though, but I don't know if I actually feel anything for him. Oh well. His presence is interesting enough. But that only taps on the generalistic surface level of the situation. We haven't even gotten into the specifics from last night's class...
    Because Comm 1 is pretty much grammar review and learning to write academically, we've basically just been focusing on parts of speech and sentence structure and all that. Well, we were talking about revising and transitions in writing last night and because my teacher is a very kinesthetic person who assigns a lot of in-class group activities (to let us explore/navigate the material ourselves), she decided it'd be a good idea to give us a group activity last night. We had to get in groups of two to four and revise this paragraph she gave us to make it the best it can be, rearranging sentences and adding transition words. Nobody really wanted to move around and get up or anything so instead, there was the unanimous decision to just be in groups with the people at or around our tables. And so I ended up in a group with the three other people at my table: an older guy who kind of reminds me of my ex-best friend's uncle, this woman from a foreign country whose English isn't really all that great, and Shooter. Let me just say, having to do the group assignment with him as one of the members was definitely an adventure. Because the one girl wasn't that great at English, she wasn't much help and the older guy just babbled and acted as a messenger so me and Shooter were the ones who technically did all the work. He had written the first two sentences of our revision and then when the older guy asked me my opinion, I asked him what we had put where and everything and then Shooter was just like, "Here, I'll just pass it [his notebook] down to you so you can read it". So I did and I ended up writing the next two sentences before Shooter took it back and wrote the last one. When he was finished, he slid the notebook back down the table and had wanted me to read it so he could get my opinion on it and make sure it sounded alright. I did and told him it sounded fine and then slid the notebook back down to him. It was a minor little thing but it honestly just felt so freaking strange, I'm not even gonna lie. He seems so much different now than he was back in elementary school, or even back when I saw him a couple times at high school. Back then, he was honestly kind of obnoxious, popular. Now he's incredibly quiet, what feels like a complete 180. Of course, I've changed a lot since elementary school and even earlier in high school, too, so I guess we're even on that end. The situation overall just feels so weird, though, especially because this popped up just a few days after I found out Le Crushboy got a girlfriend. Like that whole phrase, "when one door closes, another one opens" or something. Despite the interesting endeavor class last night was, though, that didn't mean all my sick feelings went away. In fact, they only got worse since I was sniffling back snot all last night, as well.
    When I finally got home last night, I felt so dizzy and sick I had to go straight to my room where I tried to calm myself and get some sleep but if I remember correctly, I just had another anxiety attack again and didn't end up falling asleep until late. After waking up this morning, I felt even worse. I was dizzy and congested and my throat was killing me, probably both from whatever this sickness I've got is and because I've got wisdom teeth coming in. Once again, I tried to convince my mom to just let me stay home but I had no fever and I wasn't allowed to miss any more school, so off I went. I was feeling so shitty, though, I didn't even bother making an effort with myself. I didn't put any makeup on, didn't do my hair, didn't brush my teeth. I threw on a pair of jeans and my hoodie and trudged off to the bus stop which might I add, waiting for that bus in 40 degree weather with the wind hitting you in the face? Not fun. Not. At. All. I kept trying to tell myself that I'd be fine, that I could make it through today, because it was an early release day so I'd be getting out even earlier than normal but that didn't console me at all. I had snuck what was left of my box of tissues into my backpack just in case I'd need them (which I knew I would). Well, I went through all of them by the time first period was over. As secoond period started, I knew lasting through the rest of the day was going to be impossible. Walking across campus in the wind and the cold feeling as sick as I am was a feat within itself, and then as soon as I stepped foot into my second period class, my teacher was handing out our previous tests and had the answers up on the overhead for us to check. The constant up and down was making me so dizzy, I knew this just wasn't happening. So I got up, asked to go to the clinic, and then gave metal out "fuck you"s to all my classmates as they eyed me getting up to sign out and grab a hall pass. Because you see, for some reason nobody in my English class likes me. They all probably think I'm some gross, Gothic, antisocial whore or something, or at least that's my perception from the way one of them described me a couple months back when we were exploring character descriptions studying the Canterbury Tales. I'm pretty positive the only person in that class who does not have a problem with me or something is the girl who sits behind me since a lot of the time she's nicer to me than everyone else is (with the exception of my teacher himself since I guess maybe he sees a lot of potential in me and feels sympathetic towards me or something-- he never calls me out in class like he does everyone else and is actually nice to me unlike how he is with many of his other students). But anyways, when I got to the clinic, the trip actually went much smoother than previous ones, which was surprising. Usually the nurse is a total bitch to me, always comments on some dandruff problem when it has absolutely nothing to do with whatever my condition I have, she always forgets I'm even there whenever she lets me lay down on those cots they've got in there, and she makes me feel bad whenever I want to go home. This time was different, though. She was very lenient about my opinions-- the only crass comment she really made was trying to talk me out of wanting to go home because it was an early release day and I'd be getting out early anyways. I didn't have a fever at the time but I still felt really shitty just the same. So I called up my mom at work and fortunately she was able to come pick me up and take me home. She felt bad I was missing school but she felt even worse that I was sick and by the end of the day, threw the notion of missing too much school right out the window to adopt the "if you're sick, you're sick" perspective. I slept the majority of the day, my mom buying me Panera for lunch and waffles for dinner at my request, and was very caring and motherly towards me all day, which was nice. I still feel like shit but I mean, you know, I guess that's expected. I woke up a little while ago before dinner, though, and as I was scrolling through facebook, I noticed something that definitely made me curious...and suspicious. Something a little like synchroniciity.
    Synchronicity is the occurrence of two or more events that appear to be meaningfully related but no casually related. Basically, they're "meaningful coincidences", something which I've noticed a lot of within the past year or so...regarding a particular person. I was scrolling through facebook when I saw his girlfriend yet again posted a picture she tagged him in (which she does all. The fucking. Time. She always posts random-ass pictures these days, often for no reason, and tags him in it only for their stupid flirtation to ensue in the comments and it pisses me the fuck off). It was an Adventure Time fanart of a sick Jake with a thermometer in his mouth and a cold pack on his head and some doctor-esque character I don't know because I don't actually watch much Adventure Time. The caption she wrote with it said, "Hope you feel better!" so with that, I can only assume he's sick with a cold or the flu or something. Just like myself. It wasn't long after that that I had updated my status saying something about feeling tired and like shit but wanting to do something at the same time...and then soon after I saw Le Crushboy update his status...basically saying the exact same thing.... He had said that he wanted to draw something really badass but was too tired. So basically the same thing, and I doubt he saw my status from a few minutes earlier before posting that so that's weird enough in itself. But so yes, synchronicity.  I'm pretty sure that, paired with the whole funeral incident from a few weeks ago and the fact that my mom's coworker who I've known for, like, ten years lives right next door, is what all this is. And it's quite honestly pissing me off. Like, why are there so many connections here? It can't be some sort of fateful indicator we're meant to get together or something, I'm sure, but I just don't understand why these things just keep popping up like this. What the everliving fuck is the point of this?? It should be purely amusing or something but all it is is quite honestly making me feel bad that these things keep popping up when I know he has a girlfriend and that he doesn't have feelings for me. Has anyone else been in this situation-- having so many weird coincidences pop up with someone they had a major crush on but couldn't have? Was it as puzzling for you as it is for me right now? And how did you deal with it?
  • Mood: Relief
  • Listening to: You Only Know You Love Her-- Passenger
  • Watching: Everybody Loves Raymond
  • Drinking: ice water
    Today I made a very painful but very important decision. I let him go. I decided to officially let him go and I haven't been this hysterical in months. But it needed to be done.
    I've been pretty sick lately with some sort of flu bug I caught earlier in the week so I've spent the majority of my time at home sick in bed missing school (which is not going to be pleasant going back to all the makeup work but I'll handle it). I started feeling crappy about Sunday night or so, I think, but I didn't really feel it until Wednesday morning and ended up having to go home right as second period started, to which I found myself with a fever later in the day. It wasn't until last night when I finally gave in to taking some medicine that I started feeling a bit better (Mucinex is a godsent, by the way). My parents went out today so it was just me home alone to do whatever and I ended up taking a nice long sleep until 2:30-ish. I got up, grabbed some breakfast, took care of myself, the usual. But afterwards when I decided to spend my afternoon laying on the couch watching reruns of The Middle, I  noticed something in myself: I started feeling my mood drop lower and lower until I sunk into what I can only really assume could be called...depression. And I think I know one of the reasons why. Le Crushboy was on my mind. I had been scrolling through facebook on my phone when I stumbled across a selfie he had recently posted. It was of him sitting in what I can assume was his kitchen...eating a bowl of what looked like fruity pebbles. And the caption was some snide remark about eating rainbow vomit or some shit like that. I shouldn't have done what I did next, but I did. I saw there were five comments...so I looked. Of course I found exactly what I thought/feared I would: him and his girlfriend flirting. Why was I not surprised? That's been happening a lot lately. Everything he posts, she either likes or comments. And when she comments, it's almost like an entire fucking flirt-fest goes on up in there. And truly it shouldn't piss me off as much as it does. But it does piss me off. It was from that moment earlier today, though, that I realized something truly terrifying: I've been wasting my entire senior year (and almost my entire year in general) being depressed over him. Being depressed over this bastard who never even returned my feelings for him.
     It all started hitting me like a bunch of bricks, one after the other after the other. My last year of high school has only a few short months left and yet the entire past five months, all I've been doing is being hung up on this asshole! I can't say I'm not grateful for the things that obsession has pushed me to do, like the complete 180 my opinion on college did just because I didn't want to lose him or the lost parts of myself I found because of him, but for the most part, this has all escalated to a very unhealthy level that I'm glad I caught and am doing something about before it turns me into a 100% authentic mental patient.
    I wish I could say that after realizing all this, I'm happy for him and this relationship he's in now but I'm not even gonna lie, I'm still not. I still think she's a whore and wish she'd go die in hell or something but it's not even my place to judge and never was. He is no longer my concern. Whatever happens to him happens because I no longer give a flying fuck. I know that even though after all this time, we're still sort of friends, I can't sit here secretly stewing in this giant pot of secret "I still love you" soup and pretend that it doesn't burn knowing he will never like me back and now has someone else he's dating and calling his own and all that fancy schmancy lovey shit. I am willing to throw away whatever our entire friendship is right here just to get rid of this horrible, jealous, unrequited love feeling. So I'm finished. Completely done.
    I didn't have the heart to unfriend him on facebook or anything but I did unfollow him (and fortunately before the slew of stupid girlfriend/boyfriend kissy pictures surfaced to the interwebs so I don't have to choke on my saliva strangling myself over them) and I doubt he'll text me because he never does-- it's always been me who texts him except for a few rare times in the beginning of all this when he actually seemed to care more. But no matter, he's not my concern any longer. I am done. D. O. N. E. Goodbye, Le Crushboy. Have a nice life with your art teacher dreams and that kawaii ass whore whose probably sucking your dick by now because you are no longer any of my concern. I have a life to start living and a career to start focusing on and none of that involves you. So goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

deviantID

supereilonwypevensie's Profile Picture
supereilonwypevensie
Amanda
Artist | Student
Antarctica
I am me and no one else, and nothing will ever change that.
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. --Kurt Cobain
17. Graysexual, heteroromantic, cis. Queen of budget/closet cosplaying, prisoner of my imagination, aspiring Disney character, writer who loves words so much her fingers technically have sex with the keyboard when she types, first class hermit, hopeless romantic, super insomniac, A-class wallflower, Violet Parr.
#certifiedbadass

<3 "You were my new dream" "And you were mine" <3

Tumblr: myaekingheart.tumblr.com
Facebook: facebook.com/supereilonwycosplay
Interests

AdCast - Ads from the Community

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconjohnnycade4evr:
JohnnyCade4EVR Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist Artist
Hey you seem pretty cool. I like that you ain't gonna take no crap from nobody :) and you like Eilonwy, I assume judging by your username :b
Reply
:iconsupereilonwypevensie:
supereilonwypevensie Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Student
Heh, thanks xP I don't necessarily know if I'm "cool", unless you consider the definition of that to include exhaustion, awkwardness, and raccoon eyes buuttt you know haha And yes, I do like Eilonwy ^_^ I named the OC for my very first fanfic after her haha
Reply
:iconjohnnycade4evr:
JohnnyCade4EVR Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist Artist
Haha I'm awkward too :p nice!
Reply
:icondevinshadowv:
DevinShadowV Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hey thanks for the :iconfavplz:
Reply
:iconsupereilonwypevensie:
supereilonwypevensie Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Student
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconfe0:
Fe0 Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2015   General Artist
:iconthankyou1plz::iconthankyou2plz::iconthankyou3plz::iconthankyou4plz::iconthankyou5plz::iconfour--plz::iconfavoriteplz:
Reply
:iconsupereilonwypevensie:
supereilonwypevensie Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2015  Student
You're welcome ^_^
Reply
:iconneverland23:
neverland23 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Thanks for the favie on my Peter Pan work Creepy Double D grin icon 
Reply
:iconsupereilonwypevensie:
supereilonwypevensie Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2014  Student
You're welcome! ^_^
Reply
:iconwiccanmagic97:
wiccanmagic97 Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for faving "A While...[JackFrostxReader]":D
Reply
Add a Comment: